42 Fools for April

My teenager often joins random *groups* on Facebook. Most of them make no sense - to me. Apparently, if you're 13 years old, you completely relate to and can sympathize with the phrase "Hello, I am 12 and what is that?" Yes, there's a group for that.

There's also a group for: I Hate When People Stare at Me When I'm Eating, My Dreams Always Make Sense and then I Wake Up and It's Like "WHATTTT!!!", and Ex-Boyfriend Gets Owned by Ex Girlfriend's Dad on Status Update. Wow!

"Become a fan" is kind of like new-age peer pressure - support for something that doesn't require actual action. You don't really have to get your Dad to *own* your ex on his status update, right?

Unless the group is overtly inappropriate, I turn a blind eye. A quick peruse through my teen's friend list confirms she isn't alone in her random group-following ways. But if something piques my interest, I'll sometimes take a deeper look.

So imagine me trying to ignore this one: 42 Ways to Drive Your Parents Nuts.

Joined - cough, cough, ahem - the day before April Fool's Day.

I like surprises, really I do. But not the kind of surprise that suggests my kid stand over my bed at four in the morning and say "Good morning, sunshine" -  kind of Jack Nicholson-creepy, don't you think? Or how about the surprise of going to the mall together and her shouting "No, I am not going to make out with you Mom." That's number 9.

After reading the list, I find myself questioning a few inquiries over the past few days. Did she ask about super glue because number 29 suggests crazy gluing your finger up your nose is a good way to drive parents nuts? And if I give in to buying ice cream cones, will she really stick one to her forehead and pretend to be a unicorn like number 34 says to do?

She already likes to "roar" (or rather, rawr) like a dinosaur, but might she begin saying "moo" at the end of an introduction? Am I destined to have every question I ask responded to with a quote from Twilight? Was that annoying tapping at my bedroom door last night the result of following instructions from number 15?

I figure the best line of defense for such potential April Fool's gags is offense, so I'm memorizing the list. If she takes a bath and yells "I'm drowning" I might not race to the bathroom, but rather double check with stealth. And if I hear the toilet flush, I won't assume she's giving herself a swirly. Sushi's fish tank is far too small for her to pretend to snorkel in. (And though it's not officially on the list, I have to assume she won't go through with her threat to eat Sushi when I'm sleeping...)

I will not be alarmed if she runs around the house naked, or sings at the top of her lungs in her underwear, or tells me she "sees dead people." I will not judge her for flicking on and off the light switch before muttering (in awe), "Oh, I get it." And if she pastes a sticker to her chest that says "I'm a retard" I'll pat her hand in understanding rather than launch into a discussion about inappropriate labels.

Just to be safe, though, I think we'll spend this April Fool's Day indoors. I'd hate for a random stranger to witness my stepdaughter slithering or swimming on the floor, talking to her pen, eating her hair (while muttering I don't feed her), or wearing a lamp shade on her head.

It's bad enough she's asked me to bake cookies for her 20 (imaginary) friends.

Happy April Fool's Day.

The Book In My Bag Today: Dime Store Magic, Kelley Armstrong